From: Me
Subject: You suck, Christian Grey!!!
Date: Tonight
To: Christian Grey
I read Fifty Shades of Grey, where E. L. James created a terrible hero.
Yes, I’m talking about you, Mr. Grey.
You are not the literary hero I was expecting. You may be wealthy and handsome, but you are a jerk. You are selfish and cocky. You think that money can be thrown at any situation to take control. Sure, it worked with your 10+ submissives and Anastasia Steele, but it will not work with me.
I will not fall for your over-reaching gestures. You are a stalker. You are creepy. You might think that you are smooth and coy by secretly upgrading airline tickets, but in reality, your gestures make you a fraud.
Might I suggest, Sir, that you put down Thomas Hardy, and pick up Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice.
You could take some hints from Mr. Darcy. He, too, sucks at capturing the essence of literary hero. Mr. Darcy is everything you are not: spineless, quiet, and thoughtful. (By “thoughtful” I do NOT mean “nice” and “considerate.” I mean that he thinks through his decisions.) Yet, the two of you share many qualities: attractive, prideful, wealthy, judgmental, and conceited. You both have a strange idea of courtship.
If only Fitzwilliam Darcy and you could meet. You both could take lessons from each other. The two of you could, hopefully, merge into a true literary hero that a girl could love. The reasons I cannot stand Mr. Darcy are juxtaposed in you, Sir. Although, I’m sure the two of you would get along well. You both have an overly polite demeanor, which I’m sure you would both appreciate.
The male literary hero is a tricky business, Sir. It takes an amazing character to be a hero, and you are NOT a hero of contemporary literature. You, Christian Grey are not my idea of a dream guy, just like Mr. Darcy fails to deliver in Romantic expectation.
Amber
CEO, Amber’s Enterprises Holdings, Inc.
