Making Changes

No matter how happy I am in other areas of my life, I have developed terrible body image issues.  I abhor my reflection.  I saw myself, naked, in a full length mirror a few days ago, and I just wanted to cry.  These feelings are new too.  I never had body image issues before and I thought other people’s body issues were silly.  Stupid.  Why can’t people just be happy with what they look like?  You are who you are, regardless of what the scale says.  Seriously, I never understood because it was never my reality.  In the past few months, I have really become self-conscious about my body: my face is too red, I’ve put on extra weight, etc.  I’m starting to notice parts of my body that I’m not happy with.  

This attitude has to change.  And it has to change FAST!  I refuse to obsess over my body, so I am going to make some changes in my life.  I must be proactive in my own life.  But, I have my reservations.

I fear disappointing myself.  I fear failure.  I fear defeat.

I have doubts about myself and my abilities.  

And, thinking about all of this is depressing.

I have to be motivated about my situation and take drastic measures to improve my self-esteem.  I know what I need to do.  I need to stop eating Mini-Snickers and get on the treadmill.  I need to trade in cans of Dr. Pepper (sad!) for a (well-fitting and non-revealing) swimsuit.  

Should I get a trainer?  Should I join Weight Watchers?  Do I have enough will-power to do all of this on my own??  (Uh, no!  Clearly I have no will-power.)  

<Move ahead two days>

After consideration and advise from those I trust, I signed up for Weight Watchers.  I don’t know if this is going to be the plan for me, but this is my way of taking an active role in the lifestyle I want.  I will make an honest effort regarding my food choices and workouts.  

In fact, this morning, I attended Zumba class!   My food choices have been decent today - except for the Dr. Pepper that accompanied my lunch.....and dinner.  (It’s going to be VERY difficult to give up pop.)

<Move ahead two more days>

After a couple days on WW, I’ve decided that this sucks.  I’ve never been on a diet before, but it has become crystal clear why people give up on diets.  I am constantly thinking about food.  I am constantly craving a mini-Snicker.  This cannot be good.

I’m sure after a few days it will get easier.  That’s my hope, at least.  I’m not quitting though.  I don’t know if I should show you, dear reader, how unhealthy I’ve become.  I’m sure I should take a “before” picture, but that is really scary.  I’ll have to think about it a little more.

I am accepting any advice, support, and/or criticism as I move through this stage of life. I believe that, for most people, there are many areas that can use improvement: career, relationships, work/life balance, finances, health, etc.  This is my attempt to be a participant in my own life - the view from the bleachers isn’t nearly as good as being center stage in my own life!  I refuse to be a spectator and I refuse to have body image issues.  Therefore, I'm making a change in for my self-esteem and my health.  

Do you need to make any changes in your life?

A Week of Workouts

This is the week!  This is the week I get up and start using the gym I pay for.  Usually, I donate my money, not my time, to the gym, but I’m sick of it.  I’m sick of spending $30, monthly, on a gym I never use.  I could visit Panera 3 three times.  I could buy 1/12 of a new purse.  I could get 1.5 manicures.   But no.  Instead, I waste the money.  This is my daily journal of my gym experience this week.

Sunday evening

As I do my weekly laundry, ironing, and general garment organizing, I pre-plan my work-out outfits.  No, I’m not a look-cute-at-the-gym-girl.  I’m barely a look-cute-anytime-girl.  I wear old ADIDAS pants and an older t-shirt.  I find three outfits and lay them on the chest under my window.  I have to pass the said chest every time I get out of bed, which for me and my pea-sized bladder is quite often.  I set my alarm for 4:30am.  If the gym opens at 5am, that gives me two snoozes and enough time to wake up, go to the bathroom (again), get dressed and walk next door.  Yes, my gym is LITERALLY right next door.  I’m all set for a wonderful work-out week.

Monday morning, 430am.

Snooze

Monday morning, 436am.

Snooze

Monday morning, 442am.

Snooze

Monday morning, 448am.

I reset my alarm for 530am.  Screw going to the gym!!!!

Monday afternoon, 318pm.

I keep thinking that I should have gone to the gym.  I need a new plan; it is highly doubtful that I’ll have the willpower to wake up an hour early and go to that smelly place.  I researched the gym schedule.  (https://www.lafitness.com/pages/ClassSchedulePrintVersion.aspx?clubid=331)  Hmmm……there are lots of things to do tonight, but alas, I have plans.  Tomorrow, I meet with my tutor buddy, but I could go afterwards.  Wait, I don’t finish with him until about 8pm and my bedtime is at 830ish.  That clearly won’t work.  My 8 hours of sleep is REQUIRED to function.  I guess that means I’ll have to go in the morning.  Yeah, we’ll see how that goes.  Oh, there are a few things I could do Wednesday.  Cardio Jam sounds fun or I could meet some elderly folk during Aqua Fit.  I’ll have to think about that a little more.  I play volleyball on Thursday and we BOTH know I’m not going to the gym AND playing volleyball in the same day.  So, Friday.  Of course I don’t have plans on Friday.  The boy is away playing solider, so it’s just me.  The gym doesn’t offer classes on Friday evening, probably because most people go out and party the night away.  Not this girl!  I guess that means I’ll have to find my own willpower and go to the gym myself.  Yeah, that’s a good plan.  Wait, did I even make a plan?  Oh well, I have to go back to work and stop blogging.  Blah.

Monday evening, 912pm

Oh my.  It’s 45 minutes past my bedtime and I’m just getting home.   No worries, though….I’ll set my alarm for 430am and be at the gym when it opens.  I got this!!!

Tuesday morning, 430am

Are you kidding me?  I reset my alarm for 530am.

Wednesday morning, 7am

Well, it’s pretty dreary out today and I don’t have plans for tonight.  Tonight is the night!  I’m going to the gym.  I’m going to let the treadmill drag me for a mile.  I’m going to crunch the fat in my abdominal area, and I might watch other people do push-ups.  Oh, I’m so excited!

Wednesday afternoon, 1pm

A friend asks me to Happy Hour after work.  Yes, please!!!  

Wednesday evening, 6pm

Hmpf.  I can’t go now.  I’ve got an order of guacamole, queso, and a Corona in my belly.  Oh well.

Thursday early-afternoon, 1150am

Who cares about the gym?  I’ve got volleyball tonight! <Insert impression of me being 6 feet tall spiking the ball over the net.>

Friday evening, 625pm

I have a date with my favorite UMD sweatpants and my DVR.  I admit, I like to decrease my percentage in big chunks.  I know, it’s a bit shameful, but don’t act like you don’t it either.  Geez - stop judging me!

Maybe I’ll go to gym tomorrow.  I’ve got all day and the only thing I’ve got on my plate is a manicure and maybe a little light shopping.  

Yeah, I can hit the gym before I do my errands.  I’m not worried.  I got this.

Sunday evening, sleepy time

Oh crap.  I forgot to go to the gym.  Oh well.  There’s next week.  No fear, dear reader.  I think next week is THE week that I’m be showing my pretty face at the gym.  

  

A Lecture: The Hemingses, Jefferson and Monticello

 DISCLAIMER:  Slavery and race are sensitive topics, and it is not my intent to begin a debate or discuss issues these issues with a negative undertone.  Also, I am not a historian or any type of expert on American history, but I do try to learn what I can about our history and how we, as people and as a country, have grown and matured into what we are today.  I know there is ample room for improvement, but I believe our country has taken massive steps in the past 200+ years.  

Last night, my friend Lauren and I ventured into DC for an educational lecture at the Smithsonian National Museum of Natural History.  Annette Gordon-Reed, the author of The Hemingses of Monticello: An American Family, was interviewed by NPR’s host Michel Martin.

Being mostly uneducated about Jefferson’s relationship with the slaves on his plantation, I was eager to learn all I could….and to have my new book signed!  (I am really into getting books signed after I met Toni Morrison with a friend at the Library of Congress’ Book Festival.)  The conversation lasted less than 90 minutes, including a Q&A session.  It was thought-provoking and left me wanting to learn all I can about this part of TJ’s life.  

I had heard rumors that TJ had relations with the slaves at Monticello.  I also think he was/is the only President to be unmarried while in office.  (He was widowed.  Sad.)  That being said, I also know that he traveled up and down the East Coast and across the Atlantic for business.  Regardless of his travels, his home, Monticello, was a functioning plantation.  Plantations require many, many hands and many, many skilled individuals.  It is no surprise that he owned slaves to work the land.  What is surprising, to me at least, is his intimate relationships with these slaves.  This lecture mostly discussed his relationships with the slave families and his treatment toward these people while advocating against slavery.

As I mentioned, I don’t know too much about TJ and I am hesitant to pass judgment on what type of man he really was.  Of course he was smart and hard working – these are not the characteristics in which I crave to understand.  My thirst lies in his true personality.  Was he honest?  Did he truly care about the slaves?   If so, why?  Was he really promoting an anti-slavery movement because he believed the actions were unethical or because he cared about the people he (literally) owned?  Ms. Gordon-Reed did shed some light on my questions, but I am eager to read her book and visit Monticello.  

Today, I begin reading this book.  I hope to learn about what I can about TJ and the workers on his land. I also hope to visit his home, which is only about 3 hours from here.  What I do know is that I love living a city that values our country’s legacy and makes an honest effort to display and educate the citizens about our past.  I believe it would be a personal disservice if I do not involve myself in the various opportunities offered around the Beltway.  I am glad I attended the lecture, but even more thrilled to learn about a subject that is left out of history books and rarely discussed.

Happy reading.  Happy learning!