What the heck am I doing with my life???

The big 3-0 is approaching, dear reader.  I have never felt a stronger urgency to take hold of my life as I have these past couple of months.  No, I’m not talking about marriage or the “K” word.  I’m talking about MY life.

I’m talking about a sense of belonging and purpose within myself and my own environment. 

A couple of days ago, my Noni asked me, “How old were you when you figured out what you wanted to do?”  I just sat there. Uh…………..I don’t have it figured out.  I don’t have ANYTHING figured out.  I have no idea what is happening in the next 6 months or a year from now.  (This is very difficult for me too because I am used to living by a 5 year plan!) 

Let me wrap this all up for you: 3-0 is rapidly approaching and I have no plan.  I don’t even have a plan to begin a new plan.  Here I am.  Sitting here.  Waiting.

Waiting for what? 

I, too, am looking for something amazing, but I really struggle in my attempts to figure out my next step(s).  Where do I want to work?  Where do I want to live?  Should I move overseas again?  Can I survive without a car?  Should I go to grad school?  Is professional, economic stability really more important than living a fun, fulfilling life?  Are professional, economic stability and a fun, fulfilling life mutually exclusive?

One of my BFFs told me her favorite quote: “The world is run by people who show up.”  I love this idea.  (Hi KLH!)

I’m realizing more and more that being an active participant in my own life is the best thing I can do. 

These are the areas I’d like to change:

1.        My professional life – I want a fulfilling, meaningful job.  I want to dig wells in Africa.  I want to work with AIDS patients.  I want to give girls the Depo shot.   I also don’t want to take a pay cut.  I understand that I probably can’t have both, so here I sit contemplating the “what ifs.”

2.       My location – I think I’m done with DC.  I’ve lived here since the end of 2007.  (EEK!)  I’m ready for something new.  I have no idea where I want to go, but I’m ready should the situation present itself.

3.       My travels – I’m ready for my next adventure.  I’m ready for something outside of my comfort zone.  I’m ready to hit - dare I say it - my last continent. 

4.       My feet – My feet and I are having some disagreements right now.  At this point, it’s really not about me vs. the world, it’s really about me vs. my feet.  They might be winning today, but I’m making some great progress!  Let’s face it, I can’t do anything without my feet.

A part of me really wants to take a year (or three) to travel the world.  I want to explore as much as I can.  But I know that is completely unrealistic.  I have a life and stuff and a job and a partner.  I have expectations and responsibilities that prevent me from quitting my stable job for something so unreliable and whimsical. 

Another part of me wants to save, save, save.  I want to feel so secure about my finances that I don’t need to think about my next vacation or worry once retirement time comes.  Then, I feel like I should use this time to do everything I want because eventually I’ll feel too old and it’ll be too irresponsible to make such a drastic change.  Again, I struggle to find the medium.

I’ve also decided that everything in life is a phase.  Childhood was a phase.  Puberty was a phase.  High school was a phase.  In just the same manner, adulthood is a phase.  Parenthood is a phase.  Your career as a <insert job title here> is a phase.  Because life is organic, these phases are also organic.  I am no longer the person I was 10 years ago, just like I am no longer teenager.  I’m a different person because my life is drastically different.  I want to keep changing.  I want to develop into a better version of myself as I age.  My current phase will quickly end and I’ll embark on whatever the universe holds next for me. 

Nothing is guaranteed: marriages/relationships, jobs, one’s health.  The current phase in which we all reside will evolve into something different.  We won’t know if it’s better or worse until we get there and live through it though. 

Do I expect to feel different on my 30^th birthday?  Of course not.  BUT, I do hope to use this time to gain a clearer direction to the path on which I see my life.  I have 16 months to deeply analyze my life, my choices, and my environment  While I’m doing all of that, I’m going to SHOW UP.  I’m going to make more of a conscience effort to explore the world and assess my whole life. 

Do you have any suggestions for me? 

What are you doing?