Psycho-analyzing My Life

My quarter-life crisis is coming to a slow end, and I’m beginning to realize that, instead of resolving my issues, I’m learning to adapt and accept many areas of my life.  I’m learning to accept my place in the world and the choices I’ve made - although I REALLY struggle with that last part.  

In my attempt to analyze my life, I’m beginning to psycho-analyze my life as well.  In my last few blog posts, I’ve noticed that I keep coming back to the idea of happiness.  

I believe that I am responsible for my own happiness.  Only me.  Not you.  Not the boy.  Not my job.  ME!  

Because I am the only who impacts my morale, I constantly thinking about the variety of ways to improve myself.  The only problem is that I cannot make a decision to save my life!!!  Seriously.  I have no idea how people make proactive decisions.  For many people, I think they make reactive decisions based on life-changing circumstances.  For example, one may think, “I’m pregnant, so I’ll get married.”  or “He/she is cheating on me, so I’ll get a divorce.”  One may decide to move to Seattle because of a job opportunity, but how does one decide to move just because?  Or, do you stay in the same city that you’ve always lived in because that’s all you know?

One of my biggest fears, other than lactose-intolerance, is becoming stagnate in my own life.  I’m afraid of becoming comfortable.  I think that’s why I am constantly trying to change, think, read, travel, and engage in a multitude of activities with no generic theme.  I mean, I don’t think normal, content people taking a knitting class, go hiking, and attend a lecture on a Founding Father within weeks of each other.  Me, on the other hand, I thrive on this stuff!

I know I can’t be the only one who thinks about this stuff.....right.   RIGHT?!?!!?  

Sometimes though, it really feels like I’m the only one contemplating life.  I think that people often DO NOT analyze their life because they aren’t very happy but are putting on a facade.  It’s too uncomfortable to let the world know that we are unsatisfied or wish we would have made different choices.  Let’s face it, not many people are satisfied in their professional life and people clearly aren’t satisfied in their personal life or the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high.  So why do we all pretend that everything is so great?

All I know is that I constantly analyze my happiness, it’s roots, and it’s future.  I think about where I want to live and work.  I think about my future with my partner.  I think about my future regardless of my relationship status.  I think about growing and developing and learning and adapting.  

Who knows when and/or if I’ll make the big decisions: marriage, kids (AH!!!!), career, location, etc.   

But I’m pretty sure that I won’t stop thinking about these things.  

What do you think about???  Am I the only one analyzing life?  

Leave me a comment......

Are you happy???

Are you happy?  No, I mean really happy?  Do you find joy in your daily activities?  Do you smile?  Laugh?

I am proud to admit that, yes, I am happy.  I’m in a great relationship with a wonderful man.  I live in an awesome area, and my apartment is really nice.  I think that a few of my achievements are notable.  My life is pretty great.

Regardless of how great things are at this moment, I know that life if fluid.  Things change.  People evolve.  I might not always live here.  My iCal may one day be blank.  No one knows when their relationships are going to end.  There is no way to make predictions into the future.  I accept this and I am willing to ensure that, regardless of the situation, my happiness will not decrease based on situations out of my control.

I have always believed that my happiness comes first, and everything else is an asset to my life.  I still think this way.  Yes, it sounds really selfish.  That’s because it is.  Something I’ve learned in my 28 years of life is that no one can protect me as much as me.  No one has my best interests in mind but me.  Sure, people consider my wants and needs, but, in the end, I am the only one who can take a proactive stand in my own life.  If I waited around for others to make decisions on my behalf, I’d probably be uneducated and living with my mother in the Missouri.  (Oh geez!  Imagine how depressed we would all be if that were the case!)  

I’ve been blogging for almost 6 months.  In this time, dear reader, I’ve tried to let you in on the few projects I’ve been involved in.  I tried to introduce myself by letting you in to the way I spend my time: I’ve taken a few trips and attended a few lectures; the gym and my health have been documented; my goals have been shared with you.  

I just wonder if my activities have made me any happier.  Of course I haven’t shared each event with you.  (I don’t need stalkers!)  I recently attended a lecture on George Washington, and my recreational volleyball team did really bad.  (Actually, we were terrible.)  I teach English as a Second Language once a week, and I’m studying for the GRE.  

But am I any happier since November 2011 when this blog began?  I’m not sure.  I’ve decided this is a problem.  I’m busier than I’ve ever been, but my happiness-range hasn’t changed.  Isn’t that interesting!!!!

This weekend, in Charlottesville, VA, I ran across this book.

I read the (would-be) prologue and got inspired.  I need to create a happiness project for myself.  I don’t know where I’m going to start, but I am going to take careful consideration of the way I spend my time to ensure I find joy and happiness in my life.  

So, I’ll ask you again, dear reader.  Are you happy?  Is there room to find time and space in your busy schedule to insert pleasure and bliss?

If you’d like to take on this project with me, let me know.  Are there tangible goals you need to set for yourself?  I think we all have room for improvement.  I also think it takes a brave person to challenge change and are willing to accept change in your life.  

I’m ready for happiness to consume my life.  

I’m in.  Are you with me?  

Making Changes

No matter how happy I am in other areas of my life, I have developed terrible body image issues.  I abhor my reflection.  I saw myself, naked, in a full length mirror a few days ago, and I just wanted to cry.  These feelings are new too.  I never had body image issues before and I thought other people’s body issues were silly.  Stupid.  Why can’t people just be happy with what they look like?  You are who you are, regardless of what the scale says.  Seriously, I never understood because it was never my reality.  In the past few months, I have really become self-conscious about my body: my face is too red, I’ve put on extra weight, etc.  I’m starting to notice parts of my body that I’m not happy with.  

This attitude has to change.  And it has to change FAST!  I refuse to obsess over my body, so I am going to make some changes in my life.  I must be proactive in my own life.  But, I have my reservations.

I fear disappointing myself.  I fear failure.  I fear defeat.

I have doubts about myself and my abilities.  

And, thinking about all of this is depressing.

I have to be motivated about my situation and take drastic measures to improve my self-esteem.  I know what I need to do.  I need to stop eating Mini-Snickers and get on the treadmill.  I need to trade in cans of Dr. Pepper (sad!) for a (well-fitting and non-revealing) swimsuit.  

Should I get a trainer?  Should I join Weight Watchers?  Do I have enough will-power to do all of this on my own??  (Uh, no!  Clearly I have no will-power.)  

<Move ahead two days>

After consideration and advise from those I trust, I signed up for Weight Watchers.  I don’t know if this is going to be the plan for me, but this is my way of taking an active role in the lifestyle I want.  I will make an honest effort regarding my food choices and workouts.  

In fact, this morning, I attended Zumba class!   My food choices have been decent today - except for the Dr. Pepper that accompanied my lunch.....and dinner.  (It’s going to be VERY difficult to give up pop.)

<Move ahead two more days>

After a couple days on WW, I’ve decided that this sucks.  I’ve never been on a diet before, but it has become crystal clear why people give up on diets.  I am constantly thinking about food.  I am constantly craving a mini-Snicker.  This cannot be good.

I’m sure after a few days it will get easier.  That’s my hope, at least.  I’m not quitting though.  I don’t know if I should show you, dear reader, how unhealthy I’ve become.  I’m sure I should take a “before” picture, but that is really scary.  I’ll have to think about it a little more.

I am accepting any advice, support, and/or criticism as I move through this stage of life. I believe that, for most people, there are many areas that can use improvement: career, relationships, work/life balance, finances, health, etc.  This is my attempt to be a participant in my own life - the view from the bleachers isn’t nearly as good as being center stage in my own life!  I refuse to be a spectator and I refuse to have body image issues.  Therefore, I'm making a change in for my self-esteem and my health.  

Do you need to make any changes in your life?