On November 1, I embarked on a challenge to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. This is not the easiest adventure I've taken on, but I'm trying my hardest to write a story with a cohesive plot line and developed characters. Honestly though, I'm not sure either are happening. What I am trying to do is be a little witty. This helps me forge onwards, and hopefully, it will make my reader (my sister) smile a little bit. Here are a few snippets of my novel, both of which I find particularly humorous.
Background: Small town girl left to pursue a better, more successful future. She returns for a friend's wedding and her deepest secret is shamefully revealed.
Snippet #1: Main character (Beth) is out shopping for her girlfriend's (Megan) wedding gift.
I get to Macy’s. I walk around aimlessly, glancing at their selection and variety of categories. Megan and Sam registered at Wal-Mart, and I am not going to buy them a wedding gift from Wal-Mart. (Footnote: Seriously? Wal-Mart??? Who even knew they had a wedding registry!?! Oh god - does that mean they have a baby registry too?) Without a clear goal, I begin to roam the aisles, and it all dawns on me. Do you realize how much work it took ME to prepare for this wedding and NOW I have to buy her a gift? Seriously? This is just crazy. Isn't my presence and my precious time gift enough? I had to use personal leave to get off work (6 days). I bought a plane ticket ($400), rented a car ($350) and got a hotel room ($275 - or it would have been if I hadn’t used my points!). I had to purchase such an ugly bridesmaid’s dress ($200). (Footnote: Ugh - and how tacky is it when you make someone buy their own dress. They are standing up in YOUR wedding. They are doing YOU a favor. Then you make them buy their own ugly dress. Unclassy!) I have to get my hair and nails done ($125). And to top it all off, I have to pay for all of this crap. (Footnote: My calculator says $1350.) I thought I was doing YOU a favor and now I'm forced to drop over $1000 on all of this. Ugh. Oh, and the best part, I still have to get you a bloody gift. And all you are getting me is costume pearl necklace to wear during pictures.
One of my biggest annoyances is buying presents for other people. At this point in my life, age 28, I feel like all I do is buy gifts for my friends. They get engaged. Gift. They have a shower. Gift. They get married. Gift. They get pregnant. Gift. Baby Shower. Gift. Baby arrives. Gift. (Footnote: Hey! My time visiting them at the hospital and pretending that their cone-headed baby is “oh so adorable” is a gift of it’s own. ) Baby gets baptized. Gift. Baby has a super cute (Footnote: I mean, cheesy and obnoxious.) first birthday party. Gift. And what do I get??? Nothing! (Footnote: Crap! I get crap!) I get a cheap “Thank You” card. Then, I get one of those Christmas cards with the baby in front of a fake tree with Santa peering out the window saying, “Shhh.......” Seriously? I don’t want your stupid Christmas card. Or, at least be creative!!! Then, do you know what happens?? We stop being friends. Single people and married/parents people can’t be friends. Your lives are just too different. So here I am, socially pressured to drop my hard-earned cash to buy you a present and in a mere 24 months, we can’t even be friends anymore. It’s so frustrating.
Okay, Beth. Focus!!! You have to buy this gift and because you are a good friend and because this is what is expected of you. (Footnote: Damn you, societal norms.)
I walk aimlessly up and down Macy’s “home” section. There are bright bed linens and irrational kitchen appliances. There is living room furniture and starfish-shaped supplies for the bathroom. (Footnote: Why would you ever buy someone a gift that they will then put in the same room in which they poop? )
Alright, I guess the easiest gift is the large Kitchen Aid mixer. Colin bought me one last year when I was in this huge cookie making phase and it changed my life. That thing is amazing. And, it comes with all kinds of attachments that they can then purchase at a later date.
I pay the cashier and walk over to the Customer Service department for the $6 gift wrap. (Footnote: A service I gladly pay for!)
In just a matter of minutes, the nice, older woman whips together a beautifully packaged silver and sparkly present, complete with an awesome bow. This just screams “wedding gift!” I walk out of the store holding it as if I just created this masterpiece. (Footnote: I didn’t, obviously. But I’l take the credit and praise for it.)
Snippet #2: Main character (Beth) is having lunch with a girlfriend (Rachel), who brings her child.
When I walk into the restaurant, I’m slightly frustrated by the shower Mother Nature offered me. Rachel is already there and has a table. Rachel is not alone though. She is surrounded by crayons and ripped paper - she has brought her child to lunch with us.
“Rachel!! Hi!!! How are you?” She stands up and gives me a big, excited hug.
“Beth, I’m so happy you are here. I’m even happier that we get to have lunch together, just the two of us.”
This statement catches me off guard. I give her a funny look and look down at this child.
“Well, the two of us and Peter. My babysitter cancelled last minute, so I had to bring him along. I hope you don’t mind. He’s really easy going and he’ll just sit here and color most of the time.”
“Uh, oh sure. It’s fine,” I say, taking off my soaked jacket.
The waitress comes over and takes our order. Rachel and I order quickly. Then, it’s Peter’s turn to order.
“Petey, do you want Chicken Fingers or Fish Sticks?” Rachel asks, as if he’s capable of making a solid choice. He just stuck a purple crayon up his nose.
“FRENCH FRIES!!!”
“Honey, I need to you pick between Chicken Fingers or Fish Sticks.”
“FRENCH FRIES!!!”
“Petey, you have to have something healthy for lunch, and French Fries isn’t good enough. (Footnote: Healthy??? Apparently my friend is confused about the health benefits in our food.)
He doesn’t respond to his mother, but he does pull the crayon out of his nose. I’m pretty sure a booger came out with it. (Footnote: Gross! )
Rachel just orders for him, but she makes sure that his meal comes with fries, just in case he doesn’t eat the Chicken Fingers.
I feel so awkward with this kid here. I don't have a kid. None of my friends in Washington have kids. What am I suppose to talk to him about? I'm assuming he doesn't keep up with current events and the last cartoon I saw was...was......I’ll have to think about this later. I wish I had a sticker book in my purse.
“So you are pregnant again, I see,” I say, only because people really like to talk about themselves, especially when they are pregnant. But mostly, I need a distraction from this noisy child....who is now coloring on the wall.
“Well,” she says, rubbing her bloated belly. “I am hoping it’s a girl because I found the most beautiful girl’s name the other day.”
“Oh, that’s good. I bet names are really hard. What is the name?”
“Ophelia.”
“Ophelia?”
“Yes, do you like it? I think it’s so beautiful.”
“Like the girl who drowned herself?”
“Someone drowned themselves?” Rachel asks pulling a piece of torn paper out of her child’s ear.
“Ophelia, from Hamlet . She drowned herself.”
“Oh, I’ve never met Hamlet, so I had never heard that story. It’s very sad though.”
Sigh.
“I just found the name in a baby book I got for ten cents at Tonya Appleman’s garage sale.”
Our food comes just before I have the overwhelming urge to discuss the plot of Hamlet with my uneducated friend.
There you have it. Those are two small parts from my humble little novel. As of today, I am at 18,137 words. Only 19 days left and 31,863 words to go.
